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Funny Definitions By: Adam Colgate

Our premier glossaries, InvestorWords.com and BusinessDictionary.com, have received high acclaim for providing the most clear, concise, and comprehensive financial and business terms and definitions online. We realize, however, that many of these definitions still have room for interpretation.

Take a look below at the amusing takes we found for a number of popular business terms!

ability: The virtue you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter.

adminisphere: The levels of management where big, impractical, and counterproductive decisions are made.

advertising: The art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need. (Will Rogers)

all new: Not compatible with earlier versions.

ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech, or something like that.

applicating: The act of submitting applications.

argument: An exchange of words between people with diametrically opposed views, all of whom know that they are right. (Kevin Boddington)

blamestorming: A method of collectively finding one to blame for a mistake no one is willing to confess to. Often occurs in the form of a meeting of colleagues at work, gathered to decide who is to blame for a problem.

boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

cell phone: An electronic device for one-to-one communication and one-to-many irritation. (Chris Simmons)

circular reasoning: See reasoning, circular.

civil servant: Someone who isn’t civil and doesn’t serve.

class action: A stylish deed.

clicklexia: A disorder often suffered by novice computer users in which they have a tendency to double-click on items which only require one click, often resulting in two items opening instead of just one.

clone: 1. An exact duplicate; “Our product is a clone of their product.” 2. A shoddy, spurious copy; “Their product is a clone of our product.”

committee: An entity that keeps minutes and loses hours.

comprehension: Something that one has to get in order to get it. (Dave Peters)

compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

computer: An electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities. (Warwick Annear)

computer expert: Someone who has not read the instructions, but who will nevertheless feel qualified to install a program and, when it does not function correctly, pronounce it incompatible with the operating system. (Priscilla Mann)

cooperate: Used of oneself, to enter into a constructive collaboration with another person. Used of someone else, to do exactly as one is told. (Gordon Burnside)

corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (Ambrose Bierce)

design: What you later regret not doing.

dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.

DIY: Damage-It-Yourself. (Mike Allen)

egosurfing: Typing your own name into google to see who’s talking about you.

experience: 1. The ability to repeat one’s mistakes with ever-increasing confidence. (Patrick Hoyte) 2. What you get when you don’t get what you want.

FAQ: Frequently Avoided Questions. A company’s attempt to answer commonly asked questions such as, “How do I get technical support?” (Guy Kawasaki)

feature: A hardware limitation, as described by a marketing representative.

flow chart: A graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti.

freelance: To collect unemployment.

hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked.

inbox: A catch basin for everything you don’t want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.

initiative: Deliberately disobeying a destructive order from your manager and being right in the long run.

innumeracy: An ineptitude for mathematics which results in the fear of all sums. (Simon Stacey)

instruction manual: An explanation of how to use something written in a way that is easily understood only by the author. (Phil Smith)

jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost)

life insurance: term (coined by the greatest marketer of all time) for a plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich

management: The art of getting other people to do the work.

management consultant: Someone who tells you how to do improve doing something that he or she can’t do at all. (Shankar Sivanandan)

marketing: The art of selling a product that doesn’t cost much to produce in such a way that people will take out a small loan to own it. (Jo Buckingham)

meeting: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

mouse: An input device designed to make computer errors easier to generate.

multislacking: Doing two or more useless activities simultaneously instead of working.

negotiate: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.

outsourcery: The belief that all business problems can magically be solved by outsourcing.

password: Series of letters and numbers written on a post-it note and stuck on a monitor.

phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. (Rich Hall)

recursive: See recursive.

résumé: The closest many of us will ever come to perfection.

search engine: A program that enables computer users to locate information and advertisers to locate computer users. (Damien Whinnery)

self-employed: Jobless.

state of the art: Anything that you can’t afford.

strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

tact: The art of getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.

telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

television: A commercial delivery system.

timefoolery: Setting the alarm clock ahead of the real time in order to fool yourself into thinking you are not getting up so early. (Rich Hall)

tycoon: A person for whom the government makes customized laws.

unemployment office: A career placement service for humanities majors.

unfair competition: Selling more cheaply than we do.

Windows: The times between when companies innovate and when Microsoft incorporates. (Guy Kawasaki)

wisdom: Knowing what to do with what you know.

Education
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About the Author » Adam Colgate started writing for BusinessDictionary in September of 2010. » Read more by Adam Colgate.
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